The Villain Improvement Program
by Hatter and Hare Productions
Summary: Former villains Hook, Jafar, Facilier and Frollo are in the surprise of their life when Kairi decides she's had enough of doing hero-work and moves into their apartment. All sides try to figure out why this is happening, whilst doing all they can to juggle personal life and to make enough to pay this month's rent.
1. The Bad Idea Train

"Who's the girl at the bar?" Jafar noted as they walked into the club. "Doesn't she know that's my seat?"

Hook looked up from the floor and was met with the usual crowd – minions, TV villains, and a few of the heavy hitters like himself. Times have always been hard for the villains – the lack of toy revenue had always put a damper on their income – but at least here in this club they had solidarity. Which is why an outsider drew eyes. True, she was wearing black but her nose didn't go on for an inch or so and she looked younger than 30. Odds where she was a hero; maybe one of those new "hip" heroes the Mouse was supporting of. God knows they're still playing the Moana soundtrack on the radio.

"Seems we have a lass in need of a lesson," Hook remarked, "let me do the talking,"

Striding up, he sat in the booth next to her and faced towards her. "You're new here, girl; what makes you think you have the right to sit with us?"

Slowly she looked up from her mug of beer, staring heavy in the eyes of pirate captain. "You ever…ever…" and then she giggled. A glaze hung over her eyes; she was barely able to sit up in her seat. "Hi; I'm Kairi," followed by a mighty belch that filled Hook's nose with a nasty aroma.

"Kairi?" Hook looked over to Jafar, who eyes were wide. He paused for a second, "Wait, wasn't she the friend of that scurvy-"

And then Kairi threw up on him.

* * *

"Whelp, took me a minute to remember, but yeah – she's the Seventh Princess of the Heart." Hook came in the room with a new coat. "Question is; why is she in our part of town?"

"She's still unconscious; maybe we could hold her for ransom?" Jafar suggested. He sat by the bed, Kairi's still form lightly breathing in the sheets.

"I'm not in the mood to fight off the entire hero's roster just for a few dollars more. We'll just make her buy a round to pay for us carting her off safe."

"Good plan," Jafar agreed, "though I don't know if she will feel particularly chatty if she wakes up with two villains by her bedside-"

"Shut-up and close the blinds, you jerks," Kairi murmured, stirring awake long enough to pull the blankets up above her head.

"I don't take orders from a peasant," Jafar replied, "though I do have some demands of my own."

"No; now is quiet time," and she fortified herself deeper into the blanket.

"Excuse me!" Jafar was deeply insulted.

"She's hungover; give her a break." Hook walked over to close the blinds. With the room dimmed, he walked over to the bed and looked down. "Better?"

"Better," came a muffled sound.

"Good; I'm going to work," and with that he walked out the front door.

Jafar sighed. "Always a gentleman." He got up himself and left the room, his footsteps echoing off until they were no more.

Kairi peeked out. Alone. Slowly she crept up and looked around. The place was packed with literature and empty bottles; an apartment for a bachelor who loved books and wine too much. The air was tinted with overpriced hookah was no phone she could use to call for a ride, and so she got up and shuffled over to the sink. Perhaps some water would help her think. Above it she opened the cabinet. To the renter's credit the glasses were clean. She turned on the tap, poured herself a glass of water and begin to sip.

She was surprised; she didn't show it but she was awake before they noticed. All her training had told her that waking up surrounded by two villains meant she was kidnapped but now they just didn't care enough to even put in the effort to watch her while she slept. Lazy? Perhaps, but…

Her eyes caught sight of another pair of eyes looking at her from the shadow. A heartless Shadow, with its round head and large, yellow eyes gazing at her curiously.

Jafar heard the crash and the "HI-YAH!" that followed shortly after. "Shit," hes wore,, shutting the book closed and looking up to the Heavens. "Allah… why?"

Running over, he was greeted by the sight of Kairi, keyblade in hand, swinging the aforementioned weapon around in an attempt to squish the haplessShadow.

"Kairi! Kairi, stop!" he growled, as Kairi took out the table and about 10 books worth more than Mickey's shorts. The little Shadow, frightened, ran to its master and cowered between his legs. Kairi ran up, screaming, when Jafar threw up a force field. Kairi's blow shook the shield, before she stopped herself. Panting hard, she looked upon the sorcerer.

"Don't kill our pet!" Jafar roared.

A flush of red filled her cheeks and she suddenly realized her folly. "Oh…sorry,"

* * *

Hook was back later that evening, stepping in to see that Jafar wasdown a table and about 10 books worth more than Mickey's shorts were gone. In their place was a sheepish-looking Kairi, a frightened heartless hiding behind Jafar, and Jafar himself standing there looking quite peeved.

"She saw Dobbie?"

"She saw Dobbie, and then she tried to killed Dobbie with her oversized key."

Hook sighed; 8-hour shift followed by this. This is why he didn't like people under the canonical age of 30.

Kairi spoke up, but it was more like a mumble. "I'll cover the losses, and I'll pay for a bottle of wine for taking me home."

"Yes," Hook spoke up, "and you also get to answer for me a question that I've been wanting to know since I left work; what the blazes are you doing getting drunk in a Villain's club? Because scuttlebutt around the docks says that your AWOL from all public sightings."

Kairi looked up to from the floor. "I…" then she looked back to the floor. "I wanted to…" then she looked up again. "I wanted to try…" then she looked down at the floor, where she looked at her shoe like it held the secrets to the universe.

"You've never drank before, have you?" Hook attempted to fill in the blanks.

"…no," she confessed, "along with many other things. The life of a Hero is…dull."

"Well, now you've seen the other side. Unless you plan to pay rent, you should be getting back to your life or…whatever else your bad-idea-train is taking you."

"Actually…" she slammed her hands on her knees and showed the biggest smile. "Can I hang out with you guys?!"

* * *

Welcome to the first chapter of VIP! It's mostly a comedy/family/adventure romp, though I would like to engage in some heavier character arcs later. Thanks for reading, send me a message if you have a critique, and I hope you enjoy! - March Hare


	2. The Bad Idea Train Chugs On

"No,," Jafar declared, crossing his bony arms like his word was law. "If the other Villains find out, we'll never be able to show our face in polite society again."

"She could help pay the debt off," Hook suggested, "she has to be making chests of gold with merchandise."

The front door swung open, and in hopped Facilier like a skeleton who was about to sell you on a used vacuum cleaner. "Shit went down, didn't it?" His grin couldn't get any wider.

"Don't make this worse than it has to be!" Jafar pointed a finger at the witch doctor, "Anyway, Pete's not going to let us work with a Hero on principle."

"He doesn't have to know," Facilier grinned, putting his briefcase down, "We could put her in disguise."

"And how did you know before we even told you?" Jafar inquired.

"You should know the Shadows love to talk to me," and he gave a wink to the sorcerer, who only rolled his eyes in response. "Plus," he continued. "This could be our one opportunity to corrupt a hapless young maiden into being our sex slave." He rubbed his hands greedily.

"I'm going to nix that idea in the bud," Hook spoke with authority, "and make you a counter-offer; Pete's debt still hangs over this house. Until it's gone, we can't move on without him capturing us and sell us into prostitution or whatever cruel idea he has. Now, what's the one thing a Hero has a Villain doesn't?"

"They always win in the end," The two others said in unison.

"If we get her to join us, we could drastically raise our chances of our jobs going successfully. We just can't let he know we're committing crimes."

"Going to be hard to keep it a secret." Jafar noted, "she's a Hero, after all,"

"Where is the girl at, anyway?" Facilier asked.

"In the other room, playing with Dobbie," Hook noted.

"Ooh, Man Rule 27 – Never let a girl play with your pet," Facilier exclaimed, "Pet's liable to betray you. I got stabbed by a frog just because some brunette I was dating at the time told him he was cute."

"To be fair I'd stab you if a beautiful wench told me I was cute," Hook responded. "Also you have the worse luck with frogs."

"True that," the witch doctor agreed, "Anyway, so we start her on small jobs; the ones that look least shifty. Even if that's all she does, she'd be making more money than when it was just us."

Jafar twisted his beard, "Good point, but we should wait until Frollo gets here."

"I'm here," Frollo spoke, walking through the door wearing a clown suit and adorned with a red wig and classic make-up. "and I think it's the most foolish idea you three have ever concocted."

"Don't act like I'm a part of this, Ronald Mcdonald!" Jafar cried.

"Too late; the wheels in your venomous eyes are beginning to turn. And at least Ronald can keep a job. " Frollo began to take the wig off, throwing it to the table. Or where the table would be if it was still there. He looked upon the sad, red wig on the ground. "Are we that poor that we sold our table?"

"No; Kairi took it out when she thought Dobbie was going to kill her," Hook answered.

A heavy sigh fell from the hoary-headed man. "I'm pretty sure my copy of "A Time to Kill" was on there. Is that gone too?"

"Probably, but it's an overrated book by an overrated author," Jafar replied. "Movie's better."

Frollo's shoulders fell into more into the floor, and at this rate were threatening to though the floor. "We can't have the girl. She's just going to make things even harder for us in the long run."

"I won't," came the determined voice of Kairi. She stood in the doorway, holding Dobbie like a small puppy. A little pink bow was adorned to its antennae. "I know I'm not much to you now but give me a chance and I'll prove myself to you."

Frollo groaned and looked at Hook, though the captain could hardly feel threatened when his accuser was wearing clown makeup. Still, he knew he was at a crossroads.

"Look lass...why us? Why," he beckoned to Jafar's apartment. "Why here?"

"Well," she thought for a moment, "I need a change of pace. I've lived my whole life doing what I was supposed to be doing and never asking if it was what I wanted to do. As a Hero and as a Princess of the Heart I'm supposed to be pure and perfect. But I never wanted to be that. I just wanted to be me. Like I was back on Destiny Island. Travel the world, make new friends. Experience what it means to be alive!"

Like on cue, a stream of light shined through the window and landed on her, making her appear as if a saint or angel.

Jafar looked over to Facilier. "Are you a actually tearing up?" he whispered.

"No, asshole." the witch doctor rubbed his eye, "I just took a ray of sunlight to the cornea!"

"Charming story and all," Hook spoke, shading his face from the radiance. "but we're thieves."

"Rogues," Frollo said.

"Swindlers," Jafar added.

"Prone to chasing children, sexual harassment, and burning large cities in an attempt to enslave beautiful gypsy women," Facilier topped off.

The three men looked at Facilier, who beamed with wicked pride.

"Regardless," Hook finished, "you're not cut out for this life...as it seems,"

Jafar and Frollo glared daggers at Hook.

"So, it's only fair as president of this crew that we offer you a chance to prove your worth."

Kairi burst into a smile, a smile so radiant it started to make the gray wallpaper look colorful.

"This is foolishness, Hook!" Frollo decried.

"No, this is democracy," Hook replied, "which is next to foolishness but above religion. Kairi," Hook began, "I vote to give you a chance to join us as our fifth crew member."

"And I second the motion," the witch doctor spoke up.

"Nay!" cried Frollo, "We are not making a sinner out of saint."

The three men looked to Jafar. He began to speak, and perhaps the syllables were starting to form. Just then, he looked at Kairi. Her blue eyes hit him like bolts of lightning. He felt like he'd been hit by a train made of cotton candy on a rail made of rainbows. This was not the work of an girl, but an angel hellbent on making the world a happier place.

Truly, true kindness lurked in that heart. A most despicable thing.

"Fuuuuuu-iiiiine. Let the brat prove herself!"

Frollo groaned. Hook shook Jafar's hand, Facilier shook Kairi's hand, and Dobbie was just happy the new master gave him a bow. Maybe happy; it's hard to tell. He doesn't have expressive facial features after all.


	3. The First Trial

She wanted a new look. A new version of her to represent this change of life. A way she could fit into their world as seamless as a grain in the sand. Facilier's initial solution was to offer his own chests of disguises.

"His most treasured trick to is to dress up like black exploitation action stars," Hook noted, hauling the huge box in by his hook, "Of course, I doubt you'd want to go as Foxy Brown for your stint here."

"Yeah," she snickered, "though I think I can rock an afro pretty good," Hook turned to see the girl wearing an outlandishly large afro. He felt a trembling sensation in his face, and knew a smile was trying to sneak its way in.

"Let me know when you've found your new identity," he quickly stated, slipping out of the bathroom before his face could betray him. Kairi shrugged and began to look through the chests. Out of the shadows, Dobbie popped up.

"Oh, hey there little guy," she snickered, "Here, have this," and she plopped the afro on its head. Dobbie appeared momentarily surprised, but then quickly grew accustomed to its new head of hair. "Well, you look like a regular lady-killer," and she had a big laugh to herself.

Rummaging through the chest, she found several items of various 1970s wear with colors intense enough to blind an astronaut, a various assortment of religious tokens and amulets, a set of cheap jewelry, and a box of condoms. Oh joy.

A glint of silver caught her eye then. A small vial, filled with a luminescent liquid. "Hey, doctor!" she cried out, "What's this bottle here for?"

Facilier popped his head in. "Oh, got that from a skinny girl from Finland. Think she was a witch who was way too into the metal scene."

"So, it's hair dye?"

"Yeah, or poison. She told me to drink it and go to Hell after she threw it at me."

"I'm sorry; I don't think you should go to Hell. No one should,"

Facilier eyed her in disbelief. "Just try a little in yo' hair and keep the Princess act to a minimum."

Kairi's eyes went wide. "What do you mean by that?!"

"Oh," Facilier realized his error," just...do you, girl" and he slipped out the door.

"Hey!" Kairi yelled, "What did you mean by that, you jerk!" She sighed and looked at the bottle. Well, here goes nothing.

"So... anyone want to go in there and check on her?" Jafar asked to the three men, all standing outside the bedroom.

"She's a grown girl; she can take care of herself," Hook replied.

Facilier shrugged, "she was breathing the last time I saw her. That's better than most the people I use to work with." To the side, Frollo - now clean of his makeup - continued to look through the stacks of books just lying around for his copy of "A Time to Kill"

"Hey, so what do you all think?"

The four men turned to see Kairi. Her hair was now silver, while her eyes were a golden yellow. "I put a little of that dye in my hair. Do you think it will work?"

"Well… considering with the recent influx of anime characters into the cities," Jafar spoke, "I think you'll fit right in.

Frollo and Hook nodded. Meanwhile, Facilier's face has broken in a wicked smile. He turned to Jafar.

"Buddy, we just NORTED Kairi," Facilier exclaimed. The three others looked in shock. It was true; she had the same hair color as the Xehanort. Jafar sighed, knowing what would come next.

"High-five for villainy?" the sorcerer inquired.

"High-five for villainy," Facilier raised his hand, and a crisp high-five was exchanged. Today, Darkness had won and the Facilier would sleep well tonight. Jafar, for his part, was just hoping Xehanort himself wouldn't find out. Dude was a dick to deal with.

Kairi ran back into the bathroom, seeing the resemblance in the mirror. "Oh..." and then, slowly, she burst into a smile. "Guess now it's time for a codename." She looked at the three men, and Hook said the first thing that sprang to mine.

"Tsuki"

And Kairi thought about it for a moment and then smiled. "I like it."

"So, we know you can fight," Facilier began, "so that leaves you with the scoundrel's other favorite friend; flight." The alley way stank of yesterday's cheeseburgers, today's tacos, and an aroma Facilier was sure was a dead body. The three others stood by as Facilier gave the rundown. "My challenge is to see if you can hide," Facilier pulled out a stopwatch. "Now that you're with us, you got to work like us.. Every Villain can hide at the drop of a hat, and so you must be able to as well."

Kairi's brow tightened, her game face on for the world to see.

"I'll give you 15 minutes head start," the witch doctor declared, "If you can hide for 3 hours, I'll say you won. Deal?"

Kairi nodded.

"GO!"

She took off, running down the alley way and off into the right. Facilier looked at the stopwatch and nodded. "Well, time is relative and all that, so I say it's passed 15 minutes now."

"Don't you think that's a little unfair, doctor?" Hook asked.

"World ain't fair," Facilier snapped his fingers and three Shadows popped from the ground. "Find me the girl." he ordered lazily, waving his hand forth. Back into the dark they slipped. "Anyway, if she gives a good enough chase, I'll count that as a win."

"You're the soul of generosity," Hook scoffed.

Two hours passed, and suddenly the soul of generosity was looking mighty impatient.

"She's cheating somehow," Facilier declared at the 2-hour mark.

"World's unfair, doctor," Hook remarked.

"Yeah, yeah, eat it up you jerk," the witch doctor walked into the closest shadow, vanishing from sight. His world became shadow and smoke; a palette of whites, grays and occasional blacks. Before him the town was laid bare; the shuffling souls appearing like shades through this realm. The buildings were shimmering constructs, the clouds breaking up like old celluloid on its last legs. Figments of the dreamers all. Not a single thing here was real; all was the shadow of some greater light. Even the stars were just the dreaming of children asleep in reality. Once he thought he left Plato's cave; left the streets of New Orleans and learned the ways of the left hand. Now he realized he was the projection on the cave wall. Here was the true heart of the Disney Town; the capital of the Mouse Kingdom. Fool's gold. Void.

Funny how little everything matters, no matter how 'real' it seemed.

"The only true pleasure is meanness," he once read. "So true,"

He stepped his way through the shadows, like a spider on a web. This was his home; this realm of lies. No light could hide from him for long. So, where the hell was that girl!? A light as bright as hers should be somewhere around here!

Past the theaters, the malls, the sidewalks and the mansions he crept. Where could she be, where could she be!?

The ringer went off. 3 hours had passed and he crept back to the alleyway. His companions gazed at him with amused expressions.

"Yeah, yeah, she won." he looked harder at the team, who were suddenly trying their best to hold back a smile. "Wait...you know where she is, don't you?"

He couldn't believe it. In the living room, on the couch, there she was sitting there with a book and Dobbie in her lap.

"You were in the apartment the entire time?!"

"Yeah; all I had to do was have Dobbie on my lap and no one would see my aura with his."  
Dobbie, unwittingly, waved hi to Facilier. The pet had betrayed him.

"I'mma punch you one day, Dobs,"

Author Notes: Thank you to any and all who've read this far! I'm still trying to feel out this story, and eventually I'll go back and rework the first chapters but so far, I've wanted to keep it light with some hints at a larger world. Hope you continue to enjoy


	4. (Boy)Friend Troubles

"So, how do we test her now?" Facilier asked, cupping a warm cup of coffee in his hand.

"I'd be damned if I know," Hook replied, sitting across from him. He looked over Facilier to see Kairi nestled on the couch in a pile of blankets, Dobbie in her arms. She'd fallen asleep an hour ago and this had given the gang a chance to discuss. "Lass is a bright swordsman. She's clever. I don't think we really have to worry about her merits."

"So then why does she want to work with us?" Frollo said, "She should be off fighting feral nobodies and heartless."

"She offered to help with the debt," jafar answered, "do we need more reason?"

A universal sigh sat across the group. Hook looked up. "We're a rabble of bounty hunters and glorified errand boys with hardly a cent to our name. I for one would like a reason, even if I like the girl."

Jafar grumbled. "I know, but this is the first chance we've had for some legitimacy. She could a ticket to better hero-villain relations."

"You know as well as I that isn't going to sail as smoothly as you think," Hook replied.

Jafar wasn't hearing them though. He continued, "We would finally earn some respect for once, be invited to the nice parties and perhaps get somebody to fill an official role! Gasp! WE COULD GET OUR OWN CASTLE!"

"I lost him," Hook looked to his remaining compatriots.

"Let's be real; he ain't the most grounded individual to begin with," Facilier answered.

A loud knock came at the door. Everyone's eyes turned to the door.

"Is that yo' drug dealer, or do we got ourselves a situation?" Facilier whispered, reaching into his vest.

"No…" Jafar whispered back, slipping a hand over to his staff that leaned on the wall, "I'm still stocked up on pixie dust,"

Frollo slipped a dagger out of his robes. He nodded to Hook, who followed behind him. As they approached the door, another knock came forth. Stacked on both sides of the door, the two men nodded to each other.

Suddenly, the wall by Frollo bursted. The man was sent flying as Goofy came charging in like rhino, Sora rolling in behind him and Donald casting a shard of ice behind him. Goofy slammed Frollo into the wall across from the door, while Hook crossed blades with keyblade wielder. Donald had missed entirely and only managed to take out a potted plant. "My chrysanthemums!" Jafar cried. In all the commotion, Kairi leapt up, grabbing her own keyblade.

"Where's Kairi!?" Sora demanded. Hook looked at him in disbelief. "Right there, you brat!"

Sora was momentarily stunned, along with Donald and Goofy who looked over to Kairi, shocked as they were.

"Guys, what are you doing!?" Kairi cried.

"Saving...you?" Sora replied, his bravade fading into confusion. He unlocked swords with Hook and walked over to her.

"I told you I was going on a break!" she exclaimed, "I just needed some time away from...hero stuff."

"But how was I supposed to know from a letter!?" He asked

"Well...I didn't want to tell you I was going out to...try new things." Kairi rubbed her arms. "Like...alcohol. And getting to know... new people."

Sora looked around, mouth open, at the room full of people he's either beat unconscious or wouldn't trust a nickel with, not to mention a best friend.

"I don't get it," he said, 'what's wrong with us?" he motioned to Donald and Goofy. "What about Riku?"

"He's...well...Sora, I needed a break. I can't keep going on adventures and fighting heartless. I'm tired. I want a change of pace. I want to be something other than what I've been." she took his hand, "you'll always be my friend, but I need you to trust me. Okay, Sora," and she gave him a smile.

Sora's face lightened, and he tried to give her his best smile. "Yeah, sure...just...Kairi, don't let them take your heart, ok?"

She nodded, "Ok,"

She let go and Sora looked around one more time. He gave his best smile. "Sorry," and then backtracked out. Donald growled one more time at everyone before following Sora, while Goofy still had Frollo pinned to the wall.

"Sir Goofy, if you don't mind," Frollo squeaked out from behind the wall.

"Oh, yeah," and he pulled back so Frollo could slide to the floor. Then he pulled his shield back and cracked Frollo over the head, knocking him unconscious. "That's for being a racist pervert," before heading out the hole he made.

"Hold up; what about my wall?" Jafar cried, chasing after them out the hole, "what about my wall, you rats!?"

Facilier walked up to Frollo, who was just starting to come to. "Some mother-huggers have all the fun, huh?"

"Go to hell,"

Hook, for his part, looked to Kairi. "So...you think he's going to be ok?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure!" Kairi chimed. "He just needs some to adjust."

ELSEWHERE:

A lone wooden table, in a dark room, surrounded by shadowed figures.

"She turned Sora down," one figure said, "We will have to step up our attempts to get her back on the path,"

"Should we send Riku?" another spoke.

"Not yet...we must erode her faith in the villains. It's time to show her who she's truly working with."

* * *

Author's Note - Update on the story - I did some reediting so that they're not all living together in the same apartment, due to practical reasons (why would Kairi move in with several older men, even as plucky as she is?). Kairi's joining the Crew isn't a secret anymore also, mostly because i realized that it would be more interesting to have the world know and respond in kind - as Sora does in this chapter. Other than that, everything else is the same. Hope you enjoyed! - March Hare


End file.
